Everyone of us have our vulnerabilities and one of those that sneaks into our lives is validity. I know first-hand that during the years of my abuse during childhood not being able to express feelings and having my emotions stunted before they could even get air, were a constant, and trying hard all the time to get that validation. When going through the abuse my emotions were dismissed, I would be belittled, wreaking havoc on my self worth. I then through the years had so much self doubt and even questioned my reality and my own sanity. My voice would be quashed and instead their voices were continually burrowing away in my head reminding me that I am all the above and finishing it by saying I am a nothing.
My abuser violated me and therefore invalidating my feelings. I would silently scream within. So, it is my right to know who I truly am and all that I am, being validated is a big step in that direction. So, is it acceptable to desire this feeling in our survivor journey? I say a resounding, YES, its OK to want validation. It’s a good thing that someone validating our experiences makes us feel like we are not completely alone too.
Another way to look at it is, an opposite view, that, seeking validation could disconnect us from listening to our own intuition. Our decisions are best left to ourselves and listening to our gut-feeling when thinking of how to proceed. Feeding our self-esteem is a potent practice of fully stepping into our own power again.
If you seek validation from others that could be conceived as giving your control to them.
It becomes complicated when we depend on this validation and live our life from the mode of “people-pleasing” and meeting others’ expectations. Not only does this dis-empower us, but it also adds more stress, anxiety, and depression to our lives. We need to meet our basic needs of safety, survival, love, and a sense of belonging.
Through the years I have continually wanted and want to be validated in different areas of my life. It can be in the workplace, in the home in my relationships. Pretty much in everything I do, say, and take part in. I haven’t knowingly strived for it; it is like an unconscious want. This I am realising is so exhausting as I am putting a lot of pressure on myself and even on others unbeknown to them because I want that validity.
Trauma leaves an imprint on you; it changes you. It can make you more selfish but surely that is justified. I still stumble, fall, get knocked sideways, and struggle just like everyone else. That’s just life on this planet, but at least now it doesn’t keep me down as long and I have tools, knowledge, awareness, and a support system in place to help me. That includes being validated.
If you can find internal validation of your experiences by being open to what authentically resonates within, then this opens doors for the authentic external validation we may be craving.
One thing we can do for ourselves is self-affirmation daily give yourself that validation and then your expectations of others to do the same is lessened and in fact you then will be better able to harness the negatives harness those disappointments and instead build on your strength and become the truly awesome person you are.