Impact of a date a month a word a whole multitude of things that can spiral into huge overwhelm. That time is now Halloween. Only because of extensive therapy and working on myself and gaining tools in my recovery of Satanic Ritual Abuse am I even able to lead the best life I can, and use my voice now. However, this time will never wane it never dissipates in the mind, especially as I was indoctrinated over many years. This has meant those words spoken to me, those actions that violated me, those that dressed in robes and wore masks, those events can never be unseen, and the scars are still visible.
Ritual abuse explained is where abusers instill fear and ensure silence. It is not a random act; it always involves thorough planning and preparation for a victim. There are certain dates when rituals, ceremonies take place. October 29 to Nov 4 All Hallow’s eve and Halloween rites. December 21-22 winter solstice, December 25th Christmas and then further dates during the year. (I looked these dates up, as, at the time had no concept of what date it was when the rituals took place). The abuse often occurs within families, or cult groups. There are often multiple abusers and occurs over an extended amount of times. Ritual Indoctrination, systemically in order to keep that victim silent and to make the victim feel they are chosen and special. Chosen to serve the master. If I don’t conform, I will burn in the fires of hell. A time of ceremonies, all for the gratification of the master and his followers. Mind control and dissociation are all part of a victims suffering. I am there to serve and yet I am a nothing. Those words ‘I am a nothing’ repeated over and over.
Halloween is a non-abusive, non-holiday, safe on the surface social event for most people. For most people it is not intended to be anything more traumatic than seeing the pretense of gross plastic items, horror shaped sweets, scary dressing up, pumpkins, stocked in the supermarket aisles of a store. But for those that have been subjected to abuse, these days surrounding Halloween are very dark, and very scary and filled with deep historical meaning. There are far too many triggers everywhere, and the hidden layered symbols feel anything but safe. For me currently I feel disconnected from what is going on around me. I feel hyper vigilant and the need to know that those close to me are safe. I get startled easily, so what may seem fun and give enjoyment to others for me it triggers fear.
My recovery required me to work through the original pain of fear, terror, shame, guilt and grief. I had to unlock them and release the beliefs and programming imposed by the abusers. As I said above, I have tools that get me through, for example if I get a flashback, I go through a list of things like: -
· I open my eyes
· I repeat to myself I am safe now
· I do my breathing exercises
· I ground myself, by putting feet on ground and notice my surroundings and touch them and tell myself where I am.
· I pick something up and feel it squeeze it and notice it and this is being mindful
· I speak out loud and say this is not happening now.
· I ask myself, what is it I need, and what is it I want. (this point has only recently been added to my list, imparted to me by trauma informed practitioner Beverley Webb) all part of Self Care.
I’ve not shared my abuse in graphic detail as it doesn’t require extravagant words to what in one four letter word is Rape. Difference with Ritual abuse it comes with accessories of torture, terror, and brainwashing.
I was brainwashed to believe I am worthless, incapable and useless to anyone but to those I serve. These lies were to shatter any sense of self. Breaking down those beliefs takes courage hard work and ultimately you turn it on its head and change those words to, you are WORTHY, CAPABLE, USEFUL, not to anyone to serve, as the only person you give of your service to, is YOURSELF........